So I was all prepared to write a blog about how I was feeling tonight. But now I'm not so sure i want to. As strange as it sounds, idk if writing it will make me feel better or worse. I always want to say it will make it better, cuz i won't be bottling it up like i tend to do with things. But in this case, I'm afraid letting it out will just make me feel empty. So I'd rather hold on to this thing and hurt, then let it out and feel nothing. I know that doesn't make much sense,but I guess that's why i'm a masochist lol.
basically I need to stop pretending that I"m anything more than just a fill in. No this doesn't haven't anything to do with the relationship between my Daddy and myself directly. It's just a different faucet of things in our life. I want to be more, and I want it to be real that I"m more than just a substitute, but that's not really the truth. I"m a fill in for her. She gets to have her life and show up when she wants, and today she did exactly what she was suppose to. And she took the place I had, although I don't know if its really taking it if it should have been hers in the first place, she just didn't want it. The question is will she want to keep it? Current behavior suggests yes she will, and if that stays true, then I will have to let her have it, cuz that's the way it should be.
The problem is my heart is involved. I'll have to start pulling back, its gonna hurt, it already hurts, but because I love him and because this is what is best for him, it's what I"m gonna do.
Huh, i guess I do feel a bit better. It still stings, and that part of me does feel empty, but I guess knowing that this is the right thing eases the blow a little bit. Or maybe I'm just tired.
